HM Martinique Mini-hotel

This hotel has great staff and is in a good location. Sadly that is all the positives. The food at lunch and dinner is dire. No salad dressing and all meat except pork served on the bone and fatty! Very little flavour to the dishes and the chicken noodle soup tasted of pasta water. Limited choice and did not see any vegan options at all!
The breakfast is the better meal but some of this is served cold and burnt.
The rooms are spacious but shabby and the cleaning team do not clean! The beds are rock hard and for some reason our third bed was not even made when we arrived at 2am!
The pool does not open until 10am so you are not even allowed out there to enjoy the morning sun before this time. Many of the sun beds are in the shade so if you want a sun bed in the sun at 10am, you have to do an Olympic sprint to secure one.
We booked before the law changed on the 1st June so we were not privy to the full all inclusive (no one thought to mention this) and we were not even asked if we wanted to upgrade when we arrived (we wouldn’t have bothered and preferred to spend our money in the resort). Frankly this is a three star hotel at best and the price should reflect this. Would not recommend and will not be returning!

Stayed at this prisoner of war camp for 4 nights with 26 other people. Mostly okay, as long as you plan on having no fun at all. Don’t even think about having a smile on your face. No music is to be played at any time, not even on your phone by the pool. While we are on the subject of the pool, this is where the pool ball scandal, “ball gate,” operates. It works like this: they have a shop that sells pool balls, so you buy a pool ball to have a little bit of fun with your mates in one of the 3 pools, only to find out 2.5 seconds into said fun, the hawk-like lifeguards will swoop in and take your pool ball. The one known to many as Jaws was the worst (not many teeth). He may be light of teeth, but his eye and hearing are unmatched.

The air conditioning in the rooms is almost like a small Eskimo blowing down a straw, and the fridge in the room actually makes things hotter, possibly another scandal to buy overpriced flat beer. Don’t forget to pay the deposit on the plastic cups, or the staff will just ignore you and demand a ransom for the release of a small plastic cup.

If the hotel was labeled more along the lines of a prisoner of war experience center, I would be giving this a 5-star review.

Overall, the staff was rude, but the pool staff would be at the top of the list.

Cleanliness was average.

The only thing hotter than the lifts is the sun.

Thanks for having us, really enjoyed it.