HM Martinique

Stayed at this prisoner of war camp for 4 nights with 26 other people. Mostly okay, as long as you plan on having no fun at all. Don’t even think about having a smile on your face. No music is to be played at any time, not even on your phone by the pool. While we are on the subject of the pool, this is where the pool ball scandal, “ball gate,” operates. It works like this: they have a shop that sells pool balls, so you buy a pool ball to have a little bit of fun with your mates in one of the 3 pools, only to find out 2.5 seconds into said fun, the hawk-like lifeguards will swoop in and take your pool ball. The one known to many as Jaws was the worst (not many teeth). He may be light of teeth, but his eye and hearing are unmatched.

The air conditioning in the rooms is almost like a small Eskimo blowing down a straw, and the fridge in the room actually makes things hotter, possibly another scandal to buy overpriced flat beer. Don’t forget to pay the deposit on the plastic cups, or the staff will just ignore you and demand a ransom for the release of a small plastic cup.

If the hotel was labeled more along the lines of a prisoner of war experience center, I would be giving this a 5-star review.

Overall, the staff was rude, but the pool staff would be at the top of the list.

Cleanliness was average.

The only thing hotter than the lifts is the sun.

Thanks for having us, really enjoyed it.

We were set up from back to front. At first they promised us a different room, because the given rooms had only doors that were useless, we always heard EVERYTHING. Sleeping was impossible! I've been to a few hotels and have already spent many party holidays in many places. But what this hotel offers is the absolute horror. It's really awful to spend the night there, the staff is always lying to you to waste time. Nevertheless we checked out after the 3rd day, although we paid for 14... Security doesn't help you at all, everyone can just knock on your door and don't let you fall asleep. NEVER EVER! NEVER EVER!!