TORTUE - Schöner als die Fantasie Hotel

I booked this place based purely on the reviews, but we both found it impossible to find any love for it. This may be because I cannot take any hotel seriously that has the brass neck to charge €39 for pre-booked breakfast, or if taken on the day, €55! "It's a very good breakfast" said the reception guy as he was trying to pressurise me to take it. It would have to absolutely amazing to warrant €55, but the breakfast room was packed in the morning, so they have enough mugs/expense accounts to take up their offer. We walked 5 minutes and got a great breakfast for 1/3rd of this price.

The standard doubles were OK - nothing wow. Tasteful and large enough, though the sofa faced in the opposite direction to the TV. No thoughtful touches whatsoever. Free minibar, but only soft drink. Tea bags, but nothing to boil water with. Nespresso machine but no milk, so it's black or nothing. So easy to put a little container of fresh milk in the fridge. No iron or board - something that's standard in every £60 Premier Inn room in the UK. No nibbles of any kind. 5 coat hangers in a double room. All pathetic at this price and level.

Worst of all - the room was stinking hot the whole time. It wasn't a heatwave - max about 18-19deg outside, but even with the temp control on full "cool" it was still too warm in the room. This is because they don't have aircon, but "air movement" - something with which I've had problems before in Germany. They're trying to be green, but it's a waste of electricity, as it has zero affect on room temperatures. I left the window open during the day, but on return each eve, the cleaner had shut the window leaving a too-warm room to try and sleep in. In a heatwave, this place must be more "Torture" than "Tortue".

They have a small cigar bar (Germany still, incredibly, allows smoking in bars. I say this as a smoker.) which vents into the courtyard. My partner's room smelled strongly of stale smoke, having left the window open for the same reason as I.

The location wasn't near anything we needed, so overall this was a very poor choice on my behalf. The hotel patently has a very high opinion of itself, and one which is not justified. Hamburg was great, but I would give the Hotel Tortue a wide berth in future,